The Dangers of Hitchhiking

The Dangers of Hitchhiking

Ezra Dobbins stuck out his thumb again as another car roared past. The fog rolled in thick and the curtain of rain made the gray sky hazy. The cars were far and few in-between, but that didn’t deter the three ghosts.

“They probably just don’t see us,” Ezra muttered to his two companions.

“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, people just don’t pick up hitchhikers anymore,” said Phineas Queeg. He rummaged through his carpetbag for an umbrella. “They’re more concerned with their own safety and protecting their kids and…” He trailed off as he continued searching through the bag. Mumbling, the plump phantom tossed out various bottles, random junk, and useless knick-knacks.

Gus, the shortest of the trio, jumped up and caught a magazine as Phineas tossed it over his shoulder. The dwarfish man held his prize close and laughed mischievously. “Ha, swimsuit issue!”

“Give me that!” Phineas snatched the magazine out of Gus’s hands. He began to put the pile of junk back into the carpetbag.

“People are just too paranoid nowadays,” Ezra said. “Do I look like I would hurt anyone?” He flashed them the biggest skeletal grin he could muster. As another car neared, he wore that same smile, held up his bowler derby in his left hand, and had his right thumb sticking out in the classic hitchhiker pose.

“Is it just me, or do they drive by faster when you smile like that?” Phineas mused dryly. He ignored Ezra as he did a high-pitched, nasal voiced imitation of him.

“This is pointless,” Phineas continued. “It’s going to start storming any minute. Let’s just go inside. The Graceys are throwing a huge party in the ballroom, and then there’s going to be games later in the graveyard. Don’t you get bored of hopping into people’s cars and scaring the daylights out of them?”

Ezra turned to his friend. “Phineas, of all people, I would have never thought--“

“De car, boss! De car!” Gus cried as he jumped up and down, which wasn’t an easy feat considering he had a metal ball shackled to his foot.

“You’ve been watching Fantasy Island reruns again, haven’t you?” Phineas asked.

“No, he’s right!” cried Ezra. “Look!” He pointed in the direction of the car.

A black BMW, a gorgeous model straight out of the nineteen thirties, slowed to a crawl, and then pulled up alongside the three shocked spooks. A black tinted window rolled down about an inch and a deep, velvety voice asked: “Do you need a ride?”

“Sure do, bud, thanks!” exclaimed Ezra. With an arrogant grin, he nudged Phineas’ side with his elbow. “We’ve been walking along in the rain for nearly an hour.”

They heard a loud CLICK! as the back door of the car unlocked. Ezra, Phineas, and Gus clambered in and Phineas carefully shut the door behind him. He glanced at the front seats. Their driver, a man wearing a black fedora hat and a trench coat with the collar pulled up and old fashioned driving gloves, was the only other occupant in the car.

“It’s starting to storm pretty bad out there,” said the driver.

“Yeah,” agreed Ezra. “That thunder’s loud enough to wake the dead.” His companions rolled their eyes.

“Where are you three headed?” their driver asked.

“Liberty Square,” said Gus.

“Ah, the old part of town. They say there’s an old haunted house sitting on the hill near the graveyard. But that’s just one of those urban myths.”

“You don’t believe in ghosts?” asked Phineas.

Their driver chuckled. “I may be eccentric, but I’m not superstitious. So, what brings you to Liberty Square?”

“We’re visiting some friends,” said Phineas.

“Catching up with family,” added Gus.

“And scaring the heck out of mortals,” Ezra said with a skeletal grin.

Their driver seemed almost confused for a moment, and then he chuckled kind-heartedly. “Boy, you guys are really into this ghost stuff.”

This was their chance! This was when they would usually say something clever along the lines of: “Because, we ARE ghosts!” Then they would laugh and vanish, leaving their mortal companions shocked, confused, and terrified.

But before Ezra could open his mouth again, their driver spoke. “You know,” he said with a soft chuckle, “I used to have a couple of friends like you guys…Back when I was alive.” He started laughing manically. Phineas, Ezra, and Gus stared at him as his arms and head vanished. His floating coat, hat, and gloves served as the only proof he was still there.

“Out!” cried Gus. He, Phineas, and Ezra jumped out of the car and tumbled onto the dirt road. They could still hear the driver screaming with laughter as he zoomed past.

Ezra stood up and dusted off his coat. “That was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.” He adjusted his bowler derby and huffed. “He stole our gimmick! Our carefully devised plan just blew up in our faces!”

“Maybe it’s karma,” said Phineas. He placed his top hat carefully on his head and picked up his carpetbag. “Come on, let’s go back to the mansion. Hopefully, the party isn’t over yet.”

“Yeah,” muttered Ezra with a sigh. “But on one condition. We walk the rest of the way.”

                                                            ***

Master Gracey was still giggling to himself as he tossed his black fedora onto the hat stand. He carefully placed his trench coat on the coat rack and took off his driving gloves and gently placed them in a drawer.

“Amateurs.” Still chuckling, he adjusted his tie and headed to the party in the ballroom.

                                                                The End